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Category: Ironbell

Dyson Deux Digits – an Inspector Ironbell Chapter. By Martyn

“If yer want my opinion,” says Bill Bordersack. He looks up at Alana, with his runtish face twisted into an expression of interest coloured by just enough salacious intent to make most women uncomfortable.

Alana isn’t most women, though.

She likes to think of herself as a professional, and as such, inured to the close attentions of the heterogametic forty-nine per cent of the population, gnomes included, although not the Fae. The Fae are different, of course. For a start, no-one is sure if they have chromosomes at all, and there are certainly no male fae, unless they are kept well out of sight. She ponders on this for a moment and decides society would be altogether better if men were not seen and not heard either. Except for opening jars, carrying heavy stuff, and a few other things they are ideally equipped to undertake, but only when strictly necessary. Alana is, however, on a mission, and Bill is not going to like it, which is something of a shame, because she and Bill have a history, and some might even mistake it for friendship. It’s more of a tolerant jousting for position, an appreciation of each other’s professional attributes, and quite occasionally, something more meaningful.

The call of the void. By Martyn

The Gnome Office squad room is unpretentious; two ancient partner desks set at not quite right angles to each other, atop a threadbare carpet, which has seen better days, three one-way windows facing Number 8 Downing Street’s thronging protestors waving their “Gnomes Go Home” banners, and a surfeit of briefing papers covering every surface, each emblazoned with “Urgent: Office of the Prime Minister” and stamped in red with “PLEASE IGNORE – Office of Queen Flaxmain.” 

The noise of disco music coming from the Serious Frog Office in the adjacent room seeps through the walls as a dull thrumming, just loud enough to create compression waves in Ironbell’s Bracken-Tea.

“Umros, could you ring the frogs and tell them to turn that racket down?” Inspector Camden Ironbell says as he plumps his flattened seat cushion for the third time that morning.

Inspector Ironbell and the mystery of the Frozen Fae by Martyn

Chapter 1 – Part 1

S’tan, the Lord of Darkness, removed his cans and in a voice like lava flowing over a geology professor – smooth but with a shriek in the background – said, “What does ‘Smack my bitch up, like a pimp’ mean?”

Shadows flickered in the light of a thousand fires, as dark, rodent-like figures scurried through labyrinthine passageways to the Books of All Knowledge chained to serried ranks of desks stacked high with ancient tomes in the high galleries above the Hall of Kur. Trails of sulphur billowing in their wake as they ran, their red eyes flashing as they flicked through whispering folios of arcane script, the Librarians of Perdition sought the answer to their master’s query in a flurry of searching, their bladders weakening with every turn of a page.

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